Ghosts

I hate it, but I cannot help it. The ghost of my old relationship keeps disturbing my current state. For some of the details on this brief but painful relationship, check out my very first post. I am hoping that by writing about it I can flush this ghost out of my system.

While driving through LA with my boyfriend this weekend, I could not help but wonder where they (the ex and his new boyfriend) are buying a house. In my mind, the ex is making tons of money, his boyfriend does not have to work, and they are buying a beautiful Spanish style home in a great neighborhood. They will settle down and adopt two beautiful Asian kids with the boyfriend staying home to raise them. Am I crazy? Of course, the reality of the situation could be they are stretching to buy a condo in a not so great area of LA. However, my mind cannot help but envision "perfection."

I hate it as it impacts my current relationship. If only my boyfriend were a little taller (like the ex), a little more extroverted (like the ex), and the list goes on.... I must admit that the ex was very Bill Clintonesque and people seem to be naturally drawn to him.

This makes me wonder all the more - would I truly be happy in a relationship where I have to share someone so much? In my current relationship, I receive 100% attention when we are together. Additionally, my busy boyfriend (a very talented doctor in LA), calls me when he has small breaks during the day. How great is it to know that when my guy has a small moment of time, the one person he wants to talk to is me? I think about the ex and how I would wait days for a return call.....

When I write it all out, it seems so silly. However, it does impact me. Someday, I will be over it - it does get better with time. I just need to remember to leave the wound alone and not follow the treacherous loops my mind can take me on.

The following are the full lyrics from one of my favorite songs by the Indigo Girls (for a gay man, some of musical taste would get me mistaken for a lesbian). Anyway, the song is called "Ghost" and perfectly sums up my situation.

There's a letter on the desktop
that i dug out of a drawer
the last truce we ever came to
in our adolescent war
and i start to feel the fever
from the warm air through the screen
you come regular like seasons
shadowing my dreams
and the mississippi's mighty
but it starts in minnesota
at a place that you could walk across
with five steps down
and I guess that's how you started
like a pinprick to my heart
but at this point you rush right through me
and i start to drown
and there's not enough room
in this world for my pain
signals cross and love gets lost
and time passed makes it plain
of all my demon spirits
i need you the most
i'm in love with your ghost
dark and dangerous like a secret
that gets whispered in a hush
(don't tell a soul)
when i wake the things i dreamt about you
last night make me blush
(don't tell a soul)
and you kiss me like a lover
then you sting me like a viper
i go follow to the river
play your memory like a piper
and i feel it like a sickness
how this love is killing me
i'd walk into the fingers
of your fire willingly
and dance the edge of sanity
i've never been this close
i'm in love with your ghost
unknowing captor
you never know how much you
pierce my spirit
but i can't touch you
can you hear it
a cry to be free
oh i'm forever under lock and key
as you pass through me
now i see your face before me
i would launch a thousand ships
to bring your heart back to my island
as the sand beneath me slips
as i burn up in your presence
and i know now how it feels
to be weakened like achilles
with you always at my heels
this bitter pill i swallow
is the silence that i keep
it poisons me i can't swim free
the river is too deep
though i'm baptized by your touch
i am no worse than most
in love with your ghost
you are shadowing my dreams